I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
