My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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