It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
