You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
