Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
