You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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