I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize