He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
