You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you had me at cake vodka
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
