I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
