what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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