remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
