this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
