I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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