Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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