im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
