FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
