I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
