ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
