you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
