I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
