This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
