the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Someone came in the potted fern
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
