she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
