I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
