she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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