he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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