I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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