In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
