He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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