im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
