I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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