What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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