come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
