apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
