apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
