At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
