I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
