I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
