there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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