So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
