How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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