just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's shark week go big or go home
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
