I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
