my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
