His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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