After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
