CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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