my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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