so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
